TheGreatWhiteDope's Commencement Speech

You know what's really frustrating?  Here I am with all of this huge bubbling fount of information I am willing to impart to a whole big slew of "younger generation" out there with their caps and gowns and tassels and diplomas....  But do any colleges contact me to speak to them?

Do any high schools invite me over to say a few words?

Does the obedience school even call me up to talk to the collies?

No to all three of these, because I think they wouldn't know what to do with me.  Let's face it; the things I'd have to tell them would probably be enough to make them renounce their education and go live under a bridge in a nondescript big city with all the other graduates of Ye Olde School Of Hard Knocks.

Well, never one to let a little thing like being invited come between me and sharing information, I decided to go on ahead and just give my commencement speech to whatever school it was who was never going to invite me anyway.  Fortunately, I made it nice and generic so that any gun could play, so to speak.

Besides which, it'd take a school full of verrrry special people to understand what I have to tell them.

Therefore, I shall now get out my notes, put on my floppy mortarboard and slip a little drinky-poo from under the podium when no one's looking.  Look out, graduates, because here comes a commencement speech just for you!  ...whoever you are.

(whistles "Pomp And Circumstance")

Graduates, parents, alumnus, alumni, Illuminati, friends, Romans, countrymen.

As I look out among you today, I can see in your eyes the hope, dreams and fire of a strong generation...I also see a lot of bloodshot eyes, hungover heads, some of which are sleeping, hiding behind sunglasses, others discreetly puking into you caps.  To them I say congratulations; you are already well on your way to becoming the workforce America is looking for AND expects.

Some of you worked long and hard to get where you are today; the smart ones, however, bought the test answers, stole notes from others after class, bribed the teachers, took nothing but easy classes and spent the majority of your college money on beer, drugs, pizzas and cheap sex.  Again, you're already halfway into the work ethic employers out there have spent generations to build.

As many of you go through life you'll realize that not all of the questions posed to you can be easily answered with a flip statement or a snide comment.  However, some people have made a very good living at it; look at Fox News, Bill O'Reilly, The 1984 Chicago Bears and the G4 Channel. Big paychecks there, kids.

In all seriousness, I know many of you have been told by your parents, your teachers, your counselors and various campus police officers called to your dorms at 3 in the morning that you cannot get through life by slacking off, breezing through and paying little to no attention to those around you.  The reason they say that is because they had no idea how much job opportunities would change from the time they graduated school and entered the job market to now.

The time you spend parked in front of the TV, smoking a bowl, laughing at the cockroaches crawling across the screen and play around on your iPad or iPhone or little handheld whatever is going to prepare you for all that down-time in the business world, lost on such energy-wasting activities as "meetings", "work retreats", "team-building exercises" and "brain-storming".

The lessons taught you these last four or eight or whatever many years you spent here, to be perfectly honest, you're not going to use very much.  It's all about getting hired by an old pal of your dad's at a local business, crushing everyone around you on the way up, sleeping with the boss's cougar wife (or the boss if they're attractive) and fooling everyone into thinking you're a cold, hard, ruthless monster who wants nothing but money and power and will destroy all in your way to realize your dreams.  ...when in reality you're just in it for a bigger paycheck and fewer hours.

That, then, is the American Dream.  And all you stoners and slackers...thank you for keeping the dream alive.  Congratulations graduates, keep reaching for the stars, go for the gold and just to remind you, the bong party at the Phi Kappa house is still on after 8 tonight, BYOB.

I feel like such a leader now.  And don't forget, graduates - anyone who wants a written transcript of this speech, just send me $10 and I'll print off this post and mail it to you.

Congrats grads, and Dope out.

- TGWD