New Oscar Rules! Get Out Your Scorecards!

Well, just in time for the next round of vote-buying, The Oscars announced that there were going to be some differences in their nominations process.

Whee-hoo.

Not that I care, but the main changes are all that were announced to the major news outlets.  Here, then, are some of the minor changes to the coming Oscar telecasts that would otherwise have slipped under the radar of the unwary.

Consider yourself now wary:

* Now that they have updated their mailing list, there is a better chance of getting Billy Crystal's invitation to host to him sooner than a week before the show.

* They're going to cut out awards for Cinematography, Film Editing, Sound Mixing, Makeup and Art Direction because that's usually when people start switching over to the nightly news anyway.  TIME SAVED: 35 minutes.

* Producers can pay off the Oscar Committee through PayPal.

* That Micro Machines guy will announce all of the technical stuff and commercial breaks. TIME SAVED: 45 minutes.

* At the 2-hour mark, the nominated directors for Best Picture will be placed a circle, the Oscar in the center and all be given loaded guns; the survivor wins.

* When the winner is announced, they can stay in their seat and the presenter can just toss their award to them.  TIME SAVED: 25 minutes.

* Orders regarding James Franco: shoot on sight.

* Anyone whose acceptance speech is longer than two minutes will be carried offstage by Harry Knowles and savagely interviewed by same.  TIME SAVED: 30 minutes.

* Can always get David Letterman back to host; not only will he be cheap, things will move quicker because none of the nominees will want to be onstage with him.

* The "In Memoriam" will go much faster if, instead of a turgid orchestral piece as accompaniment, they play "Yakity Sax" instead.  TIME SAVED: 6 minutes.

* They're going to hold the Oscars, The Emmys, The Tonys, The People's Choice Awards, The Grammys and The MTV Movie Awards at the same time to get everything over with at one time.

* Instead of Red Carpet interviews, the nominees have to go through a line of frat boys with paddles.  TIME SAVED: 20 minutes.

...Of course, if they just could listen to me and have everyone stay at home and mail 'em their damn statues, everyone would be better off.  Then they could do their acceptance speeches to their pets.

Yeah, I got it all figured.

Dope out.

- TGWD