Krull (1983)

This is probably one of the most infuriated reviews I've ever written in my life.  And do you wanna know why?  Because it is also - I'd lay money on this  - one of the most expensive movies ever made that was based on a lazy gimmick.

I know I'll get a lot of flak for this but bring it on, naysayers: Krull is the laziest excuse for a movie ever and I'll tick down the list of every reason why here in a bit, don't worry.  However, it is also a movie based on what's probably the most incredibly dull, slow-witted plot ideas since dealing with any giant rubber-suited monster close to a major city.

And what is the stupid premise of Krull?  Are you ready?  Three simple words - and they're not "I Love You" - ...they're Dungeons And Dragons.

Yep, geeks with 12-sided dice and their own hand-made chain-mail vests wrote Krull and they're gonna make sure you know it. 

Oh boy, are they ever.

Look on this script, ye mighty, and despair: The distant planet of Krull -

(okay okay okay, so it's set on a different planet.  SO WHAT??  It still has the same conceits as your average evening of D+D, just sit there and read on...where was I?  Oh yeah...)

The distant planet of Krull has been invaded by an evil creature called The Beast (gee, how original) and his army of marauding armor-bound guards known as The Slayers (now opening for Ratt at The Muncie Citadel - call Ticketron now).  Because of all this invading and slaying the two rival kingdoms of this world -

(Huh?  Kingdoms?  See there?)

have formed an alliance against these terrors, as Prince Colwyn (Ken Marshall), son of King Turlord (Tony Church) marries Princess Lyssa (Lysette Anthony), daughter of King Eirig (Bernard Archard), hoping to unite the two kingdoms by their joining.  But before they can cut the cake or whatever they do in medieval outer space, The Slayers attack and kidnap Lyssa.  Colwyn must then set out to re-claim his bride-to-be in an epic quest

(You read that one, didn't you?  Just checking.)

and in doing so he is joined by a Seer named Ynyr (Freddie Jones), a band of escaped convicts led by Torquil (Alun Armstrong), a one-eyed giant called Rell (Bernard Bresslaw), a cowardly magician named Ergo (David Battley), another Seer - this one blind - called Emerald (John Welsh), and a young boy by the name of Titch (Graham McGrath). 

Together this motley band of cloak-wearing +1 armor-bearing ne'er -do-wells set off to The Black Fortress to find Lyssa, seeing as The Beast intends to marry her and rule Krull and rule the galaxy and so on and so on and so on. Armed with The Glave (a disc with five blades, and admittedly the coolest thing in this whole stupid movie) Colwyn finds out this Black Fortress changes its location with every sunrise (of course - why wouldn't it?), and struggles to find it as he makes his way past vicious warriors, The Widow Of The Web (Francesca Annis), deadly traps and sinister monsters to claim his prize.

You tell me: is this Dungeons And Dragons?  Is it Wizards And Warriors?  Is it Serfs And Sorcerors?  Is it?  HUH??!?  All that writer Stanford Sherman did was record a D+D session, write it down and base a movie on it - I swear, that's what this looks like for the life of me! 

We have the roguish hero, the damsel in distress, the old wizards (or Seers, whatever), the rag-tag army, a friendly monster (a cyclops in this case), a trek filled with danger and magic, assorted tasks and battles to complete along the way...oh God, I hate this movie. 

Peter Yates knew better than to direct a movie like Krull.  I mean; he directed Bullitt!  He directed Mother Juggs and Speed!  He directed Breaking Away!  He directed The Dresser!  He directed Eleni...which was the very first movie I mentioned in my months-long rant against anything 1985, so I guess that stands to reason, seeing as how he had more than one bad directing decision in his name.  It looks epic and regal and pretty and all, but it also looks shallow, gaudy and stupid, with a few touches of artistry that have nothing to do with the storytelling process at all.  Nice going, Pete; at least he passed on early in 2011 before they could tag him to do a Krull 2.

Every single person in this movie acts as if they think they are starring in the greatest movie ever made; something that could stand alongside Excalibur.  Krull couldn't make it on a double-bill with Bert I. Gordon's The Magic Sword. 

You wanna know what star Ken Marshall starred in before Krull?  A promising NBC miniseries based on the life of "Marco Polo", with Marshall as the title character.  You wanna know what Marshall starred in after Krull?  The Stay Awake.  FOUR YEARS LATER.  Yeah.  Some of you already know what I'm talking about and are slapping your own heads in disbelief.  The rest of you, go visit Night of the Creeps and see what the rest of us are crying about.  And after 2003, seems that Marshall has completely dropped off the radar; see what a movie like Krull will do to you???

The others in this thing have fared better than Marshall, comparatively.  Lysette Anthony has had steady work in lesser films (yes, even lesser than Krull) thouigh none of the other films dubbed her voice like they do here - more on that in a second, Freddie Jones is still enjoying a long career in films and TV (in spite of this and 1984's Dune; the man's a trooper!), and this was even a stepping stone for such latter-day heavy-hitters as Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane, amazingly enough. 

Even Belinda Mayne makes an appearance here - who, you ask?  Come on; she was our psychic spelunker in Alien 2: On Earth!  Yeah, wotta step-up, huh? 

Then of course we have the matter of two very well-respected actors whose last major moments in film were this movie.  Let us hang our heads in remembrance of British actor Tony Church (who was also in the classic 1979 Roman Polanski film Tess) and Ireland-born John Welsh (most famous for roles in Konga, Francis of Assissi and the 1978 remake of Hitchcock's The Thirty-Nine Steps).  Good men, all of whom suffered for Krull being their latter-day swan song.  Alas.

Look at some of the random carpola they throw at us during the course of this thing; why does this Black Fortress have to change location every sunrise?  Because writer Sherman thought it would be cool to do it and also help stretch out the running time, most likely. 

Why do we have to have little wriggly creatures pop out of the helmets of these Slayers once someone kills them?  It doesn't really serve a purpose other than something to look at and distract us. 

What difference does it make that the cyclops thing (whose name I forget and I really don't care enough to check my notes and confirm it) can foretell his own demise?  So it can make an heroic sacrifice later...duh. 

Why do the horses Colwyn and Company ride on have hooves of fire so that they leave a fire trail when they ride across the land, only to leap across a wide chasm and safely land on the other side...with the fire trailing in the air after them?  That is REALLY stupid and it doesn't make a difference if the horse you ride has fiery hooves, a cloud of dust or a hearty "Hi Yo Silver", either.  It just doesn't matter for anything but a neat-looking effect and nothing more.

And what, indeed, was the deal with The Beast thing?  It looked like a stop-motion claymation whatever filmed with a heavily petroleum-jellied lens to make it look other-worldly/hide the cheap effect.  What in the hell; it's like they couldn't be bothered with having anyone to act alongside the others and be all evil and menacing and stuff.  Besides, this being set on outer space (as if that was really a concern first and foremost), they had to have The Beast look like Jabba The Hutt's unemployed brother or something.

As far as The Glave goes, this is the main thing anyone remembers from Krull.  You ask someone  - ANYone - about Krull and the first thing they'll say is, "oh yeah; that movie with the five-bladed knife/disc thing!"  It's cool; it kind of acts like a boomerang with knives as it returns to its thrower after slicing and dicing its target.  I guess it's Krull's version of King Arthur's Excalibur, only no one had to pull The Glave out of a rock to claim their place as the King of Krull.  ...and that's really more thought than I wanted to put into a boomeranging 5-bladed knife/disc.

In the end, this was one of the most expensive films made in 1983, costing some $27-or-so million to make and ended up earning back less than $17 million, which should have told its producers something as far as producing ill-advised outer-space D+D ripoffs....

Uh, this was just handed to me; the creator of Dungeons and Dragons himself, one Gary Gygax, went on record as saying that no one from Columbia Pictures, the producers or even one of the janitors who swept up during filming ever approached him or anyone connected with D+D to license use of the game, its characters, scenes or situations for this thing.  In other words, this is a ripoff that didn't even have the nerve to approach its source material for permission to rip it off.

Yes, I am well aware that Krull has earned something of a cult following in recent years, from both sci-fi and fantasy contingents for whatever reason - maybe because it has Freddie Jones and Francesca Annis from Dune in it a year before the British Empire struck back.  Who knows what reason there could possibly be for anyone following Krull - cult or otherwise?  Edward D. Wood Jr. has a cult of enthusiastic followers, too.  Well, Ed I can understand following.  Krull, not so much.

Speaking of following, the president of Columbia Pics at the time followed figures (as studio suits will do) and figured that this "sure thing" would stand an even-better chance at the world box office by giving a couple of the actors American-dubbed voices; you know, just to give us big dumb Yanks a focal point that doesn't sound like they should be asking for a quick crisp in the dustbin at the lorry straightaway.  So they dubbed Lysette Anthony's voice with that of American actress Lindsay Crouse, whom you'll remember more fondly from such class acts as Slap Shot, The Verdict and Iceman.  Needless to say, this came as a shock to Lysette.  Think of how Lindsay felt.

They also dubbed Scottish Robbie Coltrane with another actor's voice...who happened to be from England.  Uh...why?  That's like switching Ian McKellen's voice with Chrisopher Lee's.  Or switching a bagel with a muffin.

Or switching Krull with a blank screen.  No one's gonna notice.