The Official Mecha-Blog-Zilla Charlie Sheen Interview!

*Yes, this is it. The interview that was months in the making.

The interview that everyone has been clamoring for.

The sit-down that will make everyone stand up and take note.

Yes, this is where I, interviewer and celebrity pal TheGreatWhiteDope, gets the scoop on every other single blogger out there, just like I did back in my Human Centipede interview, where I get to talk to the man of the hour himself, Mister Charlie Sheen.

We're going to dig down deep into the man's psyche, find out a little about his early life, his troubled relationships, his work schedule, his one-man shows, all those parties and how he's kept his hair looking great all of these years.

All of this and more we will find out as we talk with Mister Sheen right now. So get ready for some in-depth reporting.

I spoke with Charlie (I can call him Charlie) outside the Whittier Hotel in a major city whose name I promised not to reveal until after the lawsuits were filed. He was wearing a smart paisley Hawaiian shirt, charcoal Ray-Bans and green flip-flops with Dora the Explorer's face on them. He told me his pants were in the wash and not to worry about it. I didn't.

THEGREATWHITEDOPE - Mister Sheen, thank you so much for joining us today. How are you doing?

CHARLIE SHEEN - Cheesecake arugula marshack.


TGWD - I beg your...


CS - My pants are beans.


TGWD - Yes...?


CS - Bottlecap.


TGWD - ...


CS - BOTTLECAP!


TGWD - Yyyyyes.


CS - (nods) Thank you.


TGWD - So...a lot has happened to you lately. How do you feel about your life right now?


CS - When I'm alone at night, I can feel the bumblebees.


TGWD - Okay.


CS - They talk to me.


TGWD - Do they...talk to you a lot?


CS - (slowly) Oh...yes...they...do....


TGWD - And what do they say?


CS - They buzz, mostly.


TGWD - Buzz.


CS - Mostly.


TGWD - Right.


CS - Duh.


TGWD - Have you spoken with your family recently about your....


CS - Emilio!


TGWD - Yes; have you spoken with....


CS - Emilio Balbone Montez Asevoca.


TGWD - ...


CS - He invented the buttonhole. I need buttonholes. I have a lot of buttons.


TGWD - Alright, let's just do it this way: tell us an anecdote about your life recently.


CS - I could paint your head turquoise right now.


TGWD - Mister Sheen....


CS - Meshach!


TGWD - What....


CS - Call me Meshach! I command it!


TGWD - Okay, whatever...Meshach.


CS - Good. Now, when I was a twelve year-old girl I met a yard gnome once. In Istanbul. He sold me a llama and told me the greatest gift life can give you is a 12-inch black and white Quasar TV.

(long pause)

CS - The quality goes in before the name goes on.


TGWD - Look, how about just talking about Denise....


CS - AAH! (sticks his fingers in his ears) CANDLESTICK! CANDLESTICK! CANDLESTICK! CANDLESTICK! CANDLESTICK! CANDLESTICK!!!

TGWD - ....


(CS stops screaming, removes his fingers from his ears, looks around)


CS - (whispers) If you say her name...the men come.


TGWD - What men...


CS - The men...with white eyes...and green teeth. They have the power. Of BLEACH.


TGWD - Okay.


CS - They're stronger than dirt.


TGWD - Any chance you can tell me anything about the parties you've had...


CS - Cinderblock.


TGWD - Accusations of narcotic use...


CS - Plastic forks.


TGWD - Talk to Jon Cryer much...


CS - Tire iron.


TGWD - Uhh...


CS - Tungsten.


CS - Miles and miles of tungsten.


TGWD - I can see this was a big mistake, I'm sorry to have....


(CS leaps up from his seat, starts flapping his arms and circling my chair)


CS - I am Jonathan Livingston Seagull! We don't need to eat garbage!


TGWD - I gotta go...


CS - This is the day I avenge my father!


TGWD - Bye, Meshach.


CS - Farewell, my summer love.


TGWD - Say "hi" to George Clooney.


CS - Grizzly II was not my fault!


TGWD - Too late to be lucid now...


CS - Curly fries!


TGWD - Too late!


Okay, this is probably the last time I'm going to interview Charlie... I mean, Meshach... especially since the last I saw of him was when hotel security was taking him away for indecent exposure and he was eating the business card I left him.

Oh well, all the best to Mister Sheen and, as he himself would say, cinderblock.

Dope out.

- TGWD

* = To be perfectly honest, this interview was probably more than 100% Charlie Sheen-free. So if you happen to be reading this, Mister Sheen, don't worry - we've never really met.