The slightly belated 2009 Martorialist awards

Like Jeezy I don't be Tweetin'. It's not that I'm not a narcicist trying to turn a corner of the internet into a shrine to myself too, but the only thing I can think of that's possibly worse than polluting the internetz with every asinine thought of mine or mundane updates about the hemp seed oil I've just bought this afternoon, is having the invaluable information about Shaun Pollock bowling averages and Spanish license plates stored in my head that may well come in useful in a pub quiz one day forever dislodged from my dome by YOUR asinine thoughts and mundane updates about the hemp seed oil YOU'VE just bought this afternoon, and NONE of us want to see that happen, do we?

So, you'll have to excuse me while I use this place for an anally self-indulgent year end list post. This one is more for personal future reference, so here's a picture of a cock 'n' balls shaped tomato grown by a friend of mine to keep you amused while I get on with the boring stuff.



No specific order to any of these.

TV shows of 2009 :

The Inbetweeners series 2
Life
Are You An Egghead? series 2
Peep Show series 6
Curb Your Enthusiasm season 7

I have friends who think Peep Show has fallen off the past few series. These friends deserve an eternal damnation consisting of nothing but repeats of David Baddiel's Sky One shitcom Baddiel's Syndrome. Still haven't found time to check season 3 of Mad Men, season 4 of Dexter or season 2 of True Blood yet, so, bar Curb, the UK ran t'ings for me this year.

Movies of 2009 :

The Wrestler
Mesrine 1 + 2
Moon
Inglorious Basterds
Bad Lieutenant, Port Of Call : N.O

No explanations necessary, right? Drag Me To Hell and District 9 also get love 'round these here parts.

2009 movies everyone else hated which I liked :

Gamer
The Box
Notorious
Surrogates

Man, fuck all y'all. Especially all y'all who kept recommending Where The Wild Things Are who caused us to waste last night watching it at the flicks.

Radio shows of 2009 :

Hawksbee & Jacobs on TalkSport
Jeff Mao on SpineMag radio
Greenpeace on SpineMag radio

H&J was the radio show of the decade really, and the only thing which has gotten me through some incredibly boring afternoons in work. Andy is responsible for the finest shit puns this side of the Fat Lace comments section and to hear him piss and moan that Chelsea are going to get relegated after any loss they suffer is one of the few pleasures of a monday afternoon. Music-wise, the various SpineMagazine radio shows are pretty much the only music radio I listen to nowadays since Westwood insists on playing too much shitty UK grime. Plz Westwood - Dave The Ruf these fuckers and play some Boosie and Sean Price in their place.

Albums of 2009 :

DJ Quik & Kurupt - BlaQKout
Kylesa - Static Tensions
The Dream - Love Vs. Money
Curren$y - This Ain't No Mixtape
Converge - Axe To Fail

Quik & Kurupt wiped the floor with everyone else in rap; Kylesa wiped the floor with everyone else in metal; The Dream wiped the floor with everyone in general; Curren$y's official debut is the best rap album which doesn't actually exist as a rap album; and Converge's latest effort is pretty much Converge-by-numbers down to the sad epic closing track and that's exactly what I want from a Converge album.

Other rap songs I was feelin' in 2009 :

Cormega - The Other Side
AZ ft. DJ Greg Mack - Live Your Life
Lil' Boosie ft. Webbie - Fuck The Police
DOOM - Batty Boyz
Curren$y - Get It Ya Self
Wiz Khalifa & Curren$y - Rolling Up
Suga Free - Still Rather Give U My Bitch
Z-Ro - Raw
Method Man & Raekwon - Meth Vs. Chef Part 2
Eddi Projex - On Sight
8Ball & MJG - Ten Toes Down
Jay Electronica - Exhibit C
The Jacka & Berner ft. Killa Tay - Prey On The Weak
Husalah - On The Street
Red Cafe ft. Pete Rock - Heart And Soul
Lil B - Chasing The Rain
Gucci Mane - Lemonade
Beanie Sigel ft. Young Chris - Return Of The Chain Gang
UGK ft. Sleepy Brown - Swishas And 'Erb
G-Side ft. Yelawolf - Who's Hood
Cam'Ron - Cookin' Up
Max B - Cops Come Running
A-Wax & Gonzoe ft. E-40 - Designer Drugs And Beatdowns

AKA rap songs I was feelin' in 2009 that I've not mentioned on here in previous posts. All of these got serious play by me and most will feature on any 2009 playlist I'll make in the future.

Live shows of 2009 :

De La Soul doing 3 Feet High And Rising
Ghostface
CL Smooth

Would've liked to see the Pete & CL reunion show but, fuck it, CL's solo show was good enough. What i'm really pissed off about is missing the Devin The Dude show and reunion shows by Faith No More and Sleep. On the positive side of things, Chek and I djed a birthday party which was doublebooked with a hen party where we had fake tanned chickens in tacky nurses outfits dancing to classic G-Funk by Ice Cube, E-40, The Luniz and Snoop. On the negative side of things, we had to endure a male stripper prancing around in a thong to Euro-trance before we got to the point where we could bless them with the likes of It Was A Good Day and I Got 5 On It. Sacrifices, yo.

Hottest chicks of 2009 :

Winehouse post-tit job
Amanda Knox
Chantal Hadley from University Challenge
Aubrey Plaza in Funny People
Sienna Miller in G.I Joe

Winehouse just gets better and better even though I'd like to see her strung out wandering the streets half naked again; Amanda Knox is the real life Veronica from Heathers and our mate Emile used to teach English to her boyfriend; Chantal Hadley, Aubrey Plaza and Sienna Miller are all proof that the glasses maketh the woman 10 x sexier. A little birdie tells me that since featuring on here, Chantal has become an avid reader of The Martorialist as she's a huge fan of rap music, old wrestling promo videos and analysis of pictures where men wear their trousers at varying heights on their waists. Seems plausible to me.

Biggest fagz of 2009 :

Mr Hudson
Drake
Nick Atkins

Mr Hudson is just a fucking pussy with Ponyboy bleached hair; Drake really does have weak knees like Wheelchair Jimmy; and Nick Atkins tried to get his Claude Carpentieri on when he threatened to sue us for posting pictures of Chantal Hadley in her knickers from his Flickr which came up via Google. The same pictures appearing all over DigitalSpy days later had nothing to do our hombre James, and I have certainly not emailed the pictures to various Red Tops in case Chantal becomes a Trimble type news story.

Most missed of 2009 :

Borders
HipHopConnection
Captain Lou Albano
Mr. Magic

Was this the only year this decade a rapper from the Screwed Up Click didn't die a syrup-related death? Anyway, Terence Trent D'Arby and that chubby bald bird who sang the Bud-Bud-Ding-Ding-2.99 song to Dr. Linda Papadopoulos on Celebrity Big Brother died this year and stuff, but I was more sad to see Borders and HHC go belly up, personally. R.I.P to Captain Lou too; like I said at the time : the world would be a much better place if there were more Captain Lou Albanos and less Captain Save-A-Hoes.

Biggest lolz of 2009 :

Rafa Benitez in general
Mark Hughes getting the sack

What was funnier - Rafa's shellshocked expression and nervous laugh when Geoff Shreeves asked him about Xavi Alonso after Liverpool lost their first math of the season, or Wenger barely being able to conceal a smug grin when asked about his opinion on Mark Hughes gettin' the boot? Pity nobody asked David Moyes for his thoughts on Sparky's departure as he'd have probably given us the most rousing rendition of The Laughing Policeman in recent memory.