As amazing as it sounds, the art of bad movie advertising isn't something recent - it's probably been around since the first movies were made and the crudely-drawn poster work that accompanied them. Lumiere Brothers, D.W. Griffith - yeah, I'm sure they had a lot of their share of this kind of stuff going on with their works.The thing is, no matter how good the film or how good the actor involved, it can all go butter-side down if you end up with something as bad as what I've shown in the past and what I'm about to show you now.
As hard as it is to believe, I am still uncovering some really bad examples of poster work to grace (curse?) your eyes with even now, and some of this - while bad - is still enough to make you believe that maybe the creators of such work may have thought they were doing something really great for humanity to begin with.
But they were wrong. REALLY wrong.
Oh well, enough beating around the bush - off to the salt mines:
WANTED
It's not bad enough that they turned Angelina Jolie into a huge disembodied head that preys on small children for Changeling, now they turn her into an anorexic, gun-toting supermodel. Seriously - look at her arm!!! That's not healthy! It's like they wrapped skin around a tree branch and put a hand on the end. If they were trying to make us think that Jolie is playing a hitman/Scarecrow hybrid...it worked.
THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN
Is it just me or is there something that's just not terrifying of an out-of-focus guy holding a microphone? I mean, it's not like he was holding a meathook or a chainsaw or a severed body part or something a little more effective like that. It's so blurred that you just hope it's a hammer so that it all ties together in being "the most terrifying ride you'll ever take". If you're afraid of microphones, I guess. In fact, poster guys - if I may - it would have been more effective if you either showed the top half of your guy or the bottom half holding the weapon. But not both. It just looks like Maxwell looking to mess people up with his Silver Hammer.
DATE MOVIE
I...no. I don't wanna know. Mentally I've made up five or six punch lines that'd get my blog kicked off the Internet permanently, so I'll shut up and move on.
SNAKES ON A PLANE
There was another poster? What was wrong with the intertwined snakes around the airliner? This is a vision of PhotoShop Hell; not one person was with anyone else in this poster and you can even tell it - I think that even a few body parts on some of these people are mix-and-match. And is it just me or are there a dearth of snakes in this poster? Or maybe we're to think they're invisible. It's really bad when you can't even PhotoShop pictures of a snake into your completely-PhotoShopped poster about a bunch of them on a plane. Apparently they took Sam Jackson's picture just after they told him their idea for this poster.
FUNERAL HOME
LITTLE SUZY - Daddy, look at the drawing I made for Ms. Prosser's class!
DADDY - Not now, Suzy; my bosses liked the poster I did for them last time so much they want me to do another one by tomorrow morning!
LITTLE SUZY - You mean the drawing I did that you gave them?
DADDY - Yeah, so I... (sees Suzy's picture) Say, Suzy...
LITTLE SUZY - Two hundred this time, plus a 10% cut of any profits from merchandising and distribution.
DADDY - 8%
LITTLE SUZY - Deal.
DADDY - Martha, my wife! I got the new poster ready to go!
MARTHA - You're pathetic...again.
DADDY - Maybe so, but we're making our house payment again this month!
MARTHA - Thank you, Suzy sweetie.
LITTLE SUZY - You're welcome, mommy.
Incredible as it sounds, there's still a lot more to go in this cavalcade of carpola, so stay tuned and get ready for badness to wash over you like dirty dishwater.
Ewww....
Dope out.
- TGWD
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