The Worst Posters EVER!!! Part 7

Every time I do one of these things I think it's gonna be a lock, because how hard is it to find good old American movie posters that have absolutely no effort in them whatsoever or such bad technical specs that it would take a government reclamation program to make them anywhere near workable for human eyes to perceive?

Not every poster can be a work of art, I know. Just like not every poster can be good. Or even passable.

There are some out there that just have the burden of being mediocre - not even good in the thought of lifting your mind to a higher plane of existence. They're just...there. They exist. They take up space in the theater's lit poster marquee out front and eventually get stained with rain running in the frame box or spiders laying their eggs along its surface and stringing their webs all over it.

Of course, that'd give them enough character to be interesting in and of themselves, and we couldn't have that, could we?

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about that....

(smack!)

Ouch! My face! Hey, I'm getting to the post! Here it is; sheesh....
























WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

You mean besides letting a punctuation mark take center stage in your artwork? Two pictures of your stars taken at different times, with different lighting schemes? Not that it could have made the movie any better, but come on - at least try to equate a scene from the movie or even just Lawrence and DeVito the CENTER of your movie artwork. This is artistic impression that gives "artistic impression" bad name. No wonder America's losing its academic classes in most schools - look what the graduates do with what they have....

























THE BLUE LAGOON

Okay, fair enough; you have your leads in a good-enough picture from the movie...but why give us an excerpt from "Pride and Prejudice" to fill up the rest of the poster?? I know, they have to explain what's going on in this thing, but why make it a frame for you art? It looks like hey slapped a autographed picture of Brooke Shields on the Declaration of Independence, for cryin' out loud.

























PRIME

Again we're faced with the dangers of letting the lower percentile of the PhotoShopping class take control of your poster work. Bryan Greenberg's facing away from an under-exposed camera, Uma Thurman's excusing us as she kisses the sky in an OVER-exposed camera shot, and Meryl Streep is about to blow chunks at the sight of seeing such drastically-different pictures in one poster. All against a white background as if it will draw our attention away from the lighting. A coincidence that part of this plot is about psychiatry, because you'd have to be crazy to believe this conglomeration works. Errrgh....

























UFO'S ARE REAL

You know, I almost didn't put this one on here except for one thing: look on the big-headed alien's forehead - can YOU tell what they're trying to tell us? Can you??! And the title - excuse me (on soapbox) WHY THE HELL DO WE BOTHER TEACHING CHILDREN HOW TO USE APOSTROPHES IF THEY'RE NOT GOING TO USE THEM THE RIGHT WAY IN HUMAN LANGUAGE??! THAT READS LIKE "UFO IS ARE REAL"!! MY GOD!! AAGGHGHGGAAGGHH!!! (off of soapbox)


























WHO'S YOUR MONKEY

The only thing I can say about this one is that at least they used their apostrophe correctly. but this sounds like a question, so why no question mark? Hey, maybe they can borrow the big one in What's The Worst That Can Happen?...and what's with the wild west font? Is this a Western? And it kind of reminds me of the poster for Monkey Shines: An Experiment in Terror...so is it a horror movie, even? The monkey's holding a ninja throwing star, maybe it's a kung-fu movie. You know, if you're not even going to let us know what to expect in your movie from the poster, I'm just gonna let it go, if you don't mind.

Hmmm...I guess that was more of a lock than I thought it would be. No ringers here. And I'm sure the next one will be just as good - and by good I mean bad - and by bad I mean...let's just say [EXPLETIVE DELETED] and let it go at that. For now.

Dope out.

- TGWD